Finding My Voice

I love learning. I love language. I love listening. I enjoy hearing the perspectives of others and incorporating new tools and ways of thinking into my being. It's as easy as hearing a cool beat and emulating it the next time I play. Or as challenging as listening to a philosophical viewpoint that I think of as being diametrically opposed to my own and "trying it on." From theology and spirituality to politics to counseling to creating a life of meaning and purpose,I am constantly making connections in my mind that transcend disciplines, tribes and systems, yet I often don't feel original. I have so conditioned myself to be a sponge that sometimes it can be difficult to discern what thoughts are my thoughts, what dreams are my dreams, what music is my music, and what really is my voice.

In some ways I feel more of a blank slate than ever, more possibility and openness than I imagined for myself and my life. Yet I also find myself craving definition. I am present to the inner panic that can arise from felt ambiguity, aware of how my constant attempts towards self-definition or being defined by others and groups have fallen far flat. Whoever I am, whatever I am, it is something that exists in the realm of mystery, yet is also something that I am creating/cultivating daily. I think there is a distinct nature to who I am, and I know that what I nurture also defines my expression.

So where do I go from here?

I don't know.

There are some things I do know. Some things I have observed.

I know that my voice is most clear and distinct when I am present, in the moment, not when I am attempting to craft an image in my imagination. Yet I also know that I bank on my strong suit of improvisation and often lack intention and specific, chosen direction in my actions.

I know that creating my art and my voice doesn't come just by listening to and emulating the outside, it has to come from within.

I know that structure is important to me, but one created from the inside not forced on by the outside world.

I know that I inspire people and have a deep capacity for love, and I want that to be uniquely and powerfully expressed with greater purpose.

Now is the time to unlock the hidden places in my heart. Now is the time to face the void, to dwell in shadow. Now is the time to let light arise gently and unforced from within. I'm not afraid of the mystery that is me, and I am ready to be patient and present to the process of me being and becoming, discovering and choosing.

I love listening to the voices of others, and I'm ready now to find my voice.
Benjamin FaderComment