Feelings, Fear and Fragmentation
We live in the modern world, a world constructed of a shared dream of humanity, but we still have an animal brain. Our self-preservation instinct can run wild and run amok in our inner and outer lives.
I know what this is, and though I've discussed these themes before, I do so now with the humility of someone who has seen how my self-preservation programming can be so damaging to others as well as self-destructive.
Jesus talks about people in their unawareness being like someone with a 2x4 sticking out of their face. I have been this person.
In this state of being, our super-ego, in its work to protect and preserve, makes judgments and decisions that are external projections on the conflict within. We cast blame, we live in illusion, and we become oblivious to the pain of others in our fixation with our own feelings. As it turns out, as much as it hurts having a 2x4 in my face, it also hurts others considerably when I swing it around in my ignorance.
It's humbling and sobering to see how fearful and fragmented I have been, and how my prioritizing of my feelings (and the fear that reinforces them) blinded me to the constant opportunity of others around me.
A few reminders:
- I am not my feelings. They constantly have things to reveal, but they are not, strictly speaking, real. Though I am constantly aware of my inner roommate, they only afford a perspective on life, not life itself.
- Awareness of my reality (or my illusion/perception) is a good first step. The next step is the flip to see from another's point of view. Neither and both of these may be true in some sense, but we are not little islands floating independently of each other, we are a sea and web of energetic connectivity.
- Our subconscious fear of our feelings creates 90% of the conflict. Rather than inflating my fears by suppressing or spinning in them, I can find the edge, find the limit, acknowledge and hold space for more than one fear or feeling.
Meditating, prayer, even affirmations, and the whole of our "powerful morning" rituals and formalities are not intended to provide rose-colored glasses, but to clear the clutter, take off the shoes of ego, and to get creative about who and how we get to be, live, and love today.
In a time of being with the impact of my less-than-best, I'm practicing the choice of moving from the fear of feeling and into the feeling of fear, from the being judgmental of self to the being with, from the oscillation to the relaxation.
Acknowledging the 2x4 in our face is a good first step. Being sensitized to pain might not feel fun, but it's a great start.